A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav type woman wearing a Newcastle United top walked into ASDA in Sunderland with her two umpalumpa kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning Madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?”
The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Whye na, they're not twins yer twat. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid or just a cheese eater?”
“I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,” replied the greeter, “I just couldn't believe you've been sh****d twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA”. _________________ Steve B.
(aka Purfleet Steve)
http://www.youtube.com/LTSRail
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.
His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."
"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a Prime Minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472.
"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."
"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."
"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the Company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."
"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then, let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'." _________________ Once the misery line, but now passed on to another.
See www.bramleyline.org.uk where one day we just might see an Ex-LT&SR Standard 4 steaming along as a Guest loco.
Just phoned the NHS swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.
How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu
Swine flu isn’t a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.
The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.
Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse... But we’ll get through. Where there's a swill there's a way.
This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed at home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.
The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
My friend says he’s got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.
I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.
_________________ Once the misery line, but now passed on to another.
See www.bramleyline.org.uk where one day we just might see an Ex-LT&SR Standard 4 steaming along as a Guest loco.
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