One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as horses lined up for the 5th race and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses which always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were coming true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings".
"The priest nodded wisely and said "That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"
"Why, yes I am... how did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
I had a bloody crash this morning. Hit a car up the a**e. The fella got out and he was a dwarf! he said: "I'm not happy."............ I said: "Well which one are you then?"
Don't worry, that's only a short joke, but did you hear about the barmaid who when asked for a Lager, pulled the wrong pump and got Stout? It's only a Mild joke, but some people get Bitter about it.
admin
I do hope you find time to read this?
Old Tom died at the ripe old age of 92 and duly appeared in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Just a moment, please," said St Peter who was busily scribbling in his Great Book, "I'm just catching up on my paperwork. Just have a look round while you're waiting."
Old Tom ambled off and saw a huge wall, completely covered by clocks showing different times.
"'Ere, Guv'ner," he said. "Wot's all these 'ere clocks doing' then? There ain't but one of 'em got the time right."
"Ah well," said St Peter. "Those are not ordinary clocks - those are life clocks. Everyone has one, and it starts at midnight on the day they are born. Then, every time they tell a lie, their clock loses one minute."
Tom scratched his head, not really understanding what it was all about. "Well, guv'ner," he said. "There's one 'ere that says one minute to twelve. Who did that belong to?"
"That," said St Peter, "is the life clock of Mother Teresa. In her whole life, she only told one lie - and that was when she was a little girl. But it is still recorded on her life clock."
"Alright then," said Tom looking further along the wall. "Who's is that clock that says two minutes to twelve?"
"That clock is the life clock of George Washington. He told only two lies in his life before owning up about that cherry tree, and he never told another one for the rest of his days."
Tom looked back and forth along the wall. "Well where's Tony Blair's clock, then?" he asked.
"Ah, yes, that one..." Said St Peter. "Actually Saint John has got that in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
37427
brilliant!
I didn't get the Dwarf one though... even though I've heard it before.
admin
37427 wrote:
brilliant!
I didn't get the Dwarf one though... even though I've heard it before.
Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs?
37427
Oh I get it now
admin
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled,
'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?'
admin
A guy was talking with his co-worker about where they should go for a beer after work. The friend suggested a place just to the north of their factory, because they were running a "Happy-Hour" deal: 2-for-1 beers from 5 PM to midnight.
Our hero agreed that 2-for-1 beers during Happy-Hour was a pretty good deal, but he wanted to try a place he'd been to over the weekend. He explained to his friend that, while beers were fairly expensive at this place, each beer purchased also came with a numbered ticket. "And... get this... Once every half-hour, they pull a number from a hat, and if they call the number of your ticket, you get laid... for free!"
The friend quickly agreed to try the new place.
Later, our hero and his dejected friend can be seen, quite drunk, sitting at a table at the new place, a large pile of tickets in front of each man.
Drunkenly, the friend suggests, "Hey, this is a rip-off! We've been here about 6 hours now, each had over 20 beers, there's only 4 other guys in the place, and we haven't won once!"
"Yeah," agreed our hero, "I just don't understand it. We were here last weekend... and my wife won 3 times!"
admin
A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman.
'Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?' he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
'Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?'
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman,
'I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?'
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
'That's a relief!' says the man. 'The plumber is coming in the morning.'
admin
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won five grand with Claims Direct.
************
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shite, it's Global Warming.
************
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
************
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...........But she didn't wear that one very often.
************
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
************
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ar*e
and turned its wool to nylon.
************
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
************
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
************
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
SteveB
Mary had a little Lamb
it's fleece as black as soot
& every where that Mary went
his sooty foot he put.
admin
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?' Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
admin
English Weather
In deference to the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English weather.'
In order to avoid offending a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred as 'Muslim weather.'
In other words - 'partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.'
admin
A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The biker said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.' 'How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?' The biker said, 'Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?
The lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
admin
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says,
'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Bert yells, ' AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
admin
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet
I'm really p*ssed off! Someone’s just crashed into my car in one of them new Skodas. There’s f.......g jam and sponge everywhere!
b******s! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!
I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me pass the parcel was fast!
I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall . It’s the first thing in ages that’s tried to get in this country that’s f*cking white !!
2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?
Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'
THE BBC HAVE SAID THAT BLACK AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON TV SO THEY'RE PUTTING CRIMEWATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.
Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*stard was corgi registered
Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser.
admin
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from a Church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' Repent and be baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.
The burglar immediately stops in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer is cuffing the man to take him in, he asks the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an axe and two 38's!'
admin
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..
admin
DEER MEAT
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole'....
admin
As a young Priest in Whyalla, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the bush and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologised to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silent by, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.
As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come' the workers began to say 'Amen. Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!'. The fervour of these men truly inspired me.
So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
admin
One day an old man saw a young boy walking and smoking a cigarette.
He stopped the boy and asked how old he was.
The boy replied "I'm 6 years old."
"Since when do you smoke?" the old man asked.
"Since I first slept with a woman." said the boy.
"And when was that?" asked the old man.
The boy answered: "I can't remember, I was drunk."
admin
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's
He created night for going fishing, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with, so God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... .....
Well. . Almost good.
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas -to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
admin
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! 'It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife,
my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
admin
Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted with a tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too.
But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pi**ed in your Saxophone."
admin
An Aboriginal man in Alice Springs goes to the doctor with a problem - he just can't stop jogging or stand still !
Hey white doctor says the Blackman. What ya think is makin me run all over the place. It's to puckin hot for dat ****.
The doctor says It's got me beat but hey I might have a cure.
The doctor puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells the Abo to snort them.
The black man does as the doctor asks and immediately stops jogging up and down and stands dead still.
'Puck me drunk it worked. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.
'No' the doctor replies. 'It's Omo - guaranteed to stop coloureds from running!!'
admin
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks
admin
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family
there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.'
He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
admin
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
admin
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were holidaying in Europe in Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "we don't have a phone but my master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Igor's master is greatly upset. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!! The Hills are alive... with the sound of music!"
admin
NHS TODAY
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Stafford Hospital. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.'
'It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
admin
Goodbye Granddad
Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his pants around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable, he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!
SteveB
A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav type woman wearing a Newcastle United top walked into ASDA in Sunderland with her two umpalumpa kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning Madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?”
The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Whye na, they're not twins yer twat. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid or just a cheese eater?”
“I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,” replied the greeter, “I just couldn't believe you've been sh****d twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA”.
admin
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.
His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."
"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a Prime Minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472.
"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."
"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."
"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the Company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."
"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then, let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."
admin
It doesn't take long, does it!
Just phoned the NHS swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.
How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu
Swine flu isn’t a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.
The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.
Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse... But we’ll get through. Where there's a swill there's a way.
This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed at home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.
The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
My friend says he’s got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.
I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.
