Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 5:36 pm Post subject: Other Jokes
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as horses lined up for the 5th race and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses which always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were coming true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings".
"The priest nodded wisely and said "That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"
"Why, yes I am... how did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
I had a bloody crash this morning. Hit a car up the a**e. The fella got out and he was a dwarf! he said: "I'm not happy."............ I said: "Well which one are you then?"
Don't worry, that's only a short joke, but did you hear about the barmaid who when asked for a Lager, pulled the wrong pump and got Stout? It's only a Mild joke, but some people get Bitter about it. _________________ Once the misery line, but now passed on to another.
See www.bramleyline.org.uk where one day we just might see an Ex-LT&SR Standard 4 steaming along as a Guest loco.
Old Tom died at the ripe old age of 92 and duly appeared in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Just a moment, please," said St Peter who was busily scribbling in his Great Book, "I'm just catching up on my paperwork. Just have a look round while you're waiting."
Old Tom ambled off and saw a huge wall, completely covered by clocks showing different times.
"'Ere, Guv'ner," he said. "Wot's all these 'ere clocks doing' then? There ain't but one of 'em got the time right."
"Ah well," said St Peter. "Those are not ordinary clocks - those are life clocks. Everyone has one, and it starts at midnight on the day they are born. Then, every time they tell a lie, their clock loses one minute."
Tom scratched his head, not really understanding what it was all about. "Well, guv'ner," he said. "There's one 'ere that says one minute to twelve. Who did that belong to?"
"That," said St Peter, "is the life clock of Mother Teresa. In her whole life, she only told one lie - and that was when she was a little girl. But it is still recorded on her life clock."
"Alright then," said Tom looking further along the wall. "Who's is that clock that says two minutes to twelve?"
"That clock is the life clock of George Washington. He told only two lies in his life before owning up about that cherry tree, and he never told another one for the rest of his days."
Tom looked back and forth along the wall. "Well where's Tony Blair's clock, then?" he asked.
"Ah, yes, that one..." Said St Peter. "Actually Saint John has got that in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." _________________ Once the misery line, but now passed on to another.
See www.bramleyline.org.uk where one day we just might see an Ex-LT&SR Standard 4 steaming along as a Guest loco.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled,
'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?' _________________ Once the misery line, but now passed on to another.
See www.bramleyline.org.uk where one day we just might see an Ex-LT&SR Standard 4 steaming along as a Guest loco.
A guy was talking with his co-worker about where they should go for a beer after work. The friend suggested a place just to the north of their factory, because they were running a "Happy-Hour" deal: 2-for-1 beers from 5 PM to midnight.
Our hero agreed that 2-for-1 beers during Happy-Hour was a pretty good deal, but he wanted to try a place he'd been to over the weekend. He explained to his friend that, while beers were fairly expensive at this place, each beer purchased also came with a numbered ticket. "And... get this... Once every half-hour, they pull a number from a hat, and if they call the number of your ticket, you get laid... for free!"
The friend quickly agreed to try the new place.
Later, our hero and his dejected friend can be seen, quite drunk, sitting at a table at the new place, a large pile of tickets in front of each man.
Drunkenly, the friend suggests, "Hey, this is a rip-off! We've been here about 6 hours now, each had over 20 beers, there's only 4 other guys in the place, and we haven't won once!"
"Yeah," agreed our hero, "I just don't understand it. We were here last weekend... and my wife won 3 times!" _________________ Once the misery line, but now passed on to another.
See www.bramleyline.org.uk where one day we just might see an Ex-LT&SR Standard 4 steaming along as a Guest loco.
A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman.
'Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?' he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
'Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?'
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman,
'I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?'
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
'That's a relief!' says the man. 'The plumber is coming in the morning.' _________________ Once the misery line, but now passed on to another.
See www.bramleyline.org.uk where one day we just might see an Ex-LT&SR Standard 4 steaming along as a Guest loco.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won five grand with Claims Direct.
************
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shite, it's Global Warming.
************
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
************
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...........But she didn't wear that one very often.
************
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
************
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ar*e
and turned its wool to nylon.
************
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
************
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
************
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy. _________________ Once the misery line, but now passed on to another.
See www.bramleyline.org.uk where one day we just might see an Ex-LT&SR Standard 4 steaming along as a Guest loco.
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